What Is Deep Listening?

There’s listening and then there’s deep listening.

Basic listening is just taking in sounds without any real connection to what you’re hearing. Deep listening is a different creature.

It deals with the problem of not being able to get your point across when the need to be right is at stake. Deep listening ultimately allows for better listening.

What Does Basic Listening Look Like?

If you’ve ever seen an animal prick its ears and turn in the direction of a sound, it’s demonstrating basic listening. It’s listening on a surface level without any real interest in what the other person is saying.

Basic listening doesn’t allow us to separate our needs and interests from others. We’re too busy working from our bias to truly hear what the other person or people are saying. The objective becomes figuring out how to get our point across and establish our point of view.

People who listen on this surface level are more likely to be in debate mode, to interrupt the conversation, and to simply regurgitate their own opinions. These days, with so many people on edge and doggedly sticking to what they believe, a lot of people are listening at only this level. They’re looking for a fight. And as conflict escalates, compassion and cooperation falter.

What Is Deep Listening?

Deep listening is a commitment to understanding another’s perspective. It involves paying attention to both verbal and nonverbal cues from that person and being fully present without trying to control the conversation.

To achieve this, a listener needs to suspend judgment and be open to receiving new info. So, for example, let’s say you were struggling with having to wear a brace for a medical condition and you conveyed your struggle to your doctor. A physician who was an ear listener would say, “I get it, but you need to wear that brace if you want to heal properly.”

Meanwhile, a doctor who practices deep listening would say, “I understand you’re uncomfortable and it can be a real hassle to wear a brace. It would be great if you could get rid of it now! Unfortunately, you need to wear that brace if you want to heal properly.”

What’s the biggest difference between the first and the second version?

It’s About Acknowledgement

In the second version, the doctor acknowledges the patient’s present emotional experience.

One of the biggest reasons people don’t acknowledge when listening is that they confuse it with acceptance. They fear that acknowledging is an admission that they are wrong. As such, they can’t bring themselves to acknowledge the other’s experience. Instead, they try harder to be heard, and the listener tries harder not to hear. The conversation goes nowhere.

The fact is, acknowledging another person’s thoughts and feelings gives the listener the option of agreeing or disagreeing with that person’s point of view. It does not eliminate the option of saying yes or no to a request. And it leaves the listener the option of saying more about what’s being discussed without all of the emotional baggage.

Practicing Deep Listening

Deep listening makes a distinction between acknowledging the thoughts/feelings a person expresses and approval/agreement. It also steers clear of advising or persuading.

When practicing deep listening, you need to be able to parse out what the person is feeling and then start by clarifying it with them. For example, “So you were really sad when you heard that,” or, “It sounds like you wanted a change in that situation that didn’t happen.”

From there, rather than advise, you empathize. For example, resist the urge to add, “That woman is horrible for saying that,” or “That guy is a total scumbag for not changing the situation!” Doing so pulls the person away from his or her feelings and gives priority to yours.

Strengthen Your Ability to Listen Through Mindfulness Awareness

Next time you’re attempting deep listening with someone, notice when you hear something that makes you feel tense. What is your reaction? Are you inclined to roll your eyes, shut down, or even yell? Instead, try to breathe slowly and deeply to let your body relax. This will bring down your defenses and allow you to feel the energy coming from the other person.

When you regularly relax your body through practices like yoga and meditation, you can come to this space more easily. Being able to relax your body is like a superpower. It enables you to respond intentionally. Once your body is relaxed, you can more easily discern the other person’s intentions. You feel safer in opening your heart to another.

Deep listening allows you to hear the confusion and pain of another – even if you disagree with him/her. It’s not an acceptance of their point of view, of course. Especially when it’s coming from a place of hatred or prejudice. Instead, it’s an opportunity to listen with compassion and awareness rather than with fear.

And that’s powerful.